Richard Rayner, MD
It’s probably been decades since the first commercial for one of those medical alert devices hit the television air waves. The scene goes something like this: an elderly woman in her home, all alone, finds herself suddenly on the ground with no one around to help her get up. No problem! She has a new device that promises immediate help. Just press the button and utter the words, “Help I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” Help is on the way. That phrase uttered in fake desperation quickly became a fun catch phrase for the 1970’s. And a metaphor for all of us to use in all kinds of situations.
A Literal Fall
I’m painfully aware of many mistakes I’ve made in my life (and sadly unaware of many more!), but two mistakes I’ve made actually occurred somewhat late in life. The first mistake was to start hanging out with very athletic people who do physically demanding things and do them very skillfully. The second mistake was then thinking I, too, could do those things. As an example, a few years ago I decided to go on a challenging hike in Lycoming County, PA, with my friend David and his two super-human brothers. We planned to do 24 miles in 2 days. Doable. Unfortunately, shortly into the hike I tripped on a tree root and fell forward hitting the ground in a nano second. Also unfortunate was the fact that I was carrying a backpack that weighed 40 lbs, and my left hand and forearm were now trapped between my chest and the other roots of that blessed tree. I was the proverbial turtle on his back even though I was on my front!
Not only was this embarrassing as the instigator was the smallest of roots, but I was also in considerable pain that could not be relieved due to the 40-lb burden plus my own body weight pressing down on the injured limb. Fortunately, David, was close by, and, recognizing my dilemma, grabbed my backpack (one-handed, by-the-way…) and yanked me up so that I could at least get to my knees. “I need an ice pack” went my doctor thoughts immediately, reflexively channeling the advice I would give a patient for this kind of trauma. Nope. We’re in the woods. No ice for miles and days, actually. Throb, throb, throb went my hand, but we had many miles to go. Onward!
The Pain Was Real
This simple fall was complicated by two things, the burden and the injury. The pain was distracting in this process, but also very real. While I was quite sure no bones were broken, the injury to the soft tissues of my hand was very evident. The position I was in, my forearm trapped under my body and backpack, rendered my left arm useless, just when I needed it most. I needed help. Thankfully it came quickly in the form of a capable friend. I’m sure it was quite a comical scene as it often is when we see people stumble and fall. He and his brothers could have just stood back and had a good laugh, but mercy won over mirth in this desperate moment.
I received the help gladly. I think a good percentage of us try to push through our struggles, initially resisting the offer of assistance whatever the situation. Sometimes we know we need it, but we pretend we don’t, saving face rather than saving time and additional suffering. There was no room for pretending in this situation, though. I was pretty stuck. I would have eventually figured out how to get myself up, but the excruciating pain was a motivator to receive the assistance that was offered.
It’s OK to Fall
This was an accident. A mistake, a literal stumble. But what about the times when we stumble due to foolish or bad decisions, when we’ve ignored that inner voice or the voice of others that warned us, “don’t,” but we did, and now we’re stuck with a consequence that is too much. Our personalities dictate how we receive such circumstances. Another large factor is our upbringing. Were mistakes ridiculed by your parents and family? Was perfection the standard and anything short of that condemned? Did those around look for the chink in the armor where the arrows of criticism would find their perfect mark? How one answers those questions greatly affects how “falls” are handled, and, more importantly, how we learn from them. Fortunately, I was surrounded by friends who were understanding and kind. But falling of any kind can be frightening if the relational ground is rocky.
Someone once said, “Success can make a fool seem wise.” Success can also make a person feel that they shouldn’t ever make a mistake or stumble along life’s journey. But the falls are what advance us. After the fall on the trail, I was more careful with the placement of my feet, used my trekking poles a bit more, became more aware of what I was doing. All good things. A serious car accident I had on Black Friday of 2022 (no serious injuries, thankfully) has made me sharpen my driving skills a bit more, looking right-left-right carefully at every intersection, keeping more-or-less to the speed limit (one has to keep up with traffic, right?). Double checking where texts are going is a result of some embarrassing missteps where information went to an unintended recipient!
Metaphor Lived Out
If you trip – when you fall – what is your initial reaction? Do you tend to blame others? Do you berate yourself? Do you protect yourself at all costs, not letting anyone know of your misstep or foible? Perhaps it can be helpful to break it down in this manner:
- Expect the falls! Most will admit philosophically if questioned that they are not perfect, but living that truth may not be so evident.
- Embrace the moment. Grab the hand offered to you. Resist the temptation to deny what has happened. Eat your slice of humble pie. Open your eyes wide and take it in. Learn from it.
- Remember. Take good notes – literally, or in the library of your memory, and refer back to them. Let the experience build the character that will enrich your life. It will help you tolerate and appreciate the scars.
- Forgive if needed. The road of resentment leads only one way to one destination: bitterness. And that’s a miserable place to live. If you find yourself a resident of Bitterland, get some help to work through that. This is the hardest step.
- Use it. Empathy allows us to take a shared or similar experience to support and care for others in a way we couldn’t had we not had our rough time.
If you’ve fallen you can get up. And while it might hurt in the moment, you’ll eventually be stronger for the trip.
