Richard Rayner, MD
I’m a Karmann Ghia. Like the car sold by Volkswagen until the early 1970’s which had a German chassis and mechanicals, but with Italian styling, I’m a product of a father of German heritage and an Italian mother. While we certainly enjoyed woofing our wurst, the flavor of my family was clearly more solidly soppressata. Along with the food choices came a certain, shall we say, style of communication. This meant that dinner time, especially if extended family were present, was a bit of a free-for-all. One had to speak louder, faster, or sooner in order to be heard. As the youngest in the family it could be very challenging for me to get a word in let alone be taken seriously. In stark contrast, my wife Leslie came from a family where, I swear, there was a mandatory pause between sentences in conversation (almost completely of German heritage, BTW). What a shock it was for her when she, as my girlfriend at this point, had her first meal with us! She didn’t know which way to look when, while attempting to thoughtfully answer a question just asked of her, another question or statement would come flying at her before she could answer the previous question. It was fun to watch! Welcome to my world, mia compagna.
Conversational Chaos
While the energy and banter were often fun, frequently the details of an answer or situation were missed because, frankly, no one was truly listening! When mia compagna became mia moglie and we had our own family, I like to think that we struck a balance between the two extremes we were each used to. With our 3 sons, dinner time was often fun and engaging, but even then, especially as the boys got older, things could get a bit wild. Leslie had adjusted well to a looser manner of communication but had not completely shaken off the German reasonableness, and my conversational pendulum swung back a bit in the controlled direction. Still, not infrequently, while trying to get a story out, it was nearly impossible for her to accomplish the task without interruption. Eventually she would proclaim an exasperated “Can I please finish?!” We guys would then have a brief flash of guilt and give her the floor. Well, at least for a few moments!
Conversation Killers
Good conversation is an art, and it appears to be becoming rarer every year. I have observed some interesting patterns of communication amongst people in conversation with each other that inhibit effective communication. For now, we’ll ignore the whole plague that texting and social media has infected human interaction and save that for another time. Still, I have noticed patterns in discussion as someone is attempting to share a personal story, experience, thoughts, or struggle, that result with the listener falling into one of the following traps:
Explaining or Analyzing – In this situation, before the words are barely out of the speaker’s mouth, the listener is offering an explanation of what she feels is truly going on. It may even turn patronizing, essentially shutting down the conversation by putting the speaker in a prescribed category and offering a cliche’d response.
Rescuing – If the situation presented brings discomfort to the listener, there may be relief offered immediately. It can be hard as a listener to sit in the midst of sadness, distress, chaos, or hurt expressed. That discomfort can lead to attempts at a quick fix being offered to relieve the listener’s uneasiness.
Rebutting – If the listener disagrees with or has had a different experience than her companion, the objections can come hard and fast, before processing the whole picture. At times there may not even be disagreement, but the listener feels the need to bring in the other side often without real knowledge of the situation. Certainly, balance is generally good, but first make sure you truly hear what is being said.
Ignoring – Here the listener is just too absorbed in their own thing, or simply doesn’t care and may just move on – internally if not obviously – to their own interests and issues. It screams, “My stuff is more important than yours,” “You’re boring me,” or the worst, “You don’t have as much value as I do.” The listener may even change the topic, usually in a way that turns the attention toward them.
One-upping – Essentially the listener says, “Aw, that ain’t nothin’! Let me tell about when I…,” thus turning the conversation into a competition. It also reverses the roles in the conversation.
Reasons for Responses
Let’s assume “you” are the listener in the following explanations.
- Impatience – You’re busy. You have a million things on your mind. No time for the pain. Enough of the listening already. Time to get to the doing.
- Prescience – You feel you know what’s coming, anyway. It seems there’s nothing new under the sun. You’ve heard this before. Let’s just get to the end.
- Preservation – You want to make them feel better – it’s hard to see a friend struggle. It’s even harder to hear the details if you feel it won’t change the end. And for some personality types it’s even harder to not offer help in the way of advice or solution.
- Self-preservation – You want to feel better. It’s uncomfortable to see others struggle. The relief sought may honestly be your own.
- Protection – This response grows out of a fear of obligation if you listen too long. You fear it may require something of you moving forward. It could cramp your style. If you listen too long you may get to the point where you need to make a decision as to whether or not you can or should help the speaker.
- Pride – You want to be the hero who figured the situation out and rescued the other person. “Aren’t I wise?”
- Pressure – It’s just difficult to listen well! And the speaker may have scary expectations of you, the listener.
Engage Bravely
Reading through the above lists, I’m convicted about many times I have been guilty of each of those conversation killers. So how can we become a good conversationalist and listener? We are talking here about a skill that some develop early and naturally, while the rest of us, if we want to get to the Carnegie Hall of conversationalists, have to practice, practice, practice.
To start, one must value the idea of being a good listener and recognize that it’s an essential ingredient in the recipe of a meaningful relationship. You first must decide that you want to be a good listener. Take a few moments to analyze the last few one-to-one conversations you’ve had with people. Were you truly present? Did you hear their words and their heart?
The second step involves actively practicing. You may have heard the terms ‘active listening’ or ‘dynamic listening’. These terms refer to the practice of being fully engaged in the conversation at hand. Your posture, attitude, eyes, ears, and mind are fully focused on the one with whom you’re having the conversation. The speaker feels, knows, you are locked on to what they are saying. Some ways of becoming a dynamic listener can be to make good eye contact with the speaker, even at times repeating what they said but using different words indicating you are not only listening, but also understanding (or maybe missing!) their point. Your words and actions indicate that you are engaged. Understand that you are not their psychologist, but just their friend offering a listening ear.
As such it is important to recognize your limits. Tell yourself that you don’t need to have all the answers. You’re not the doctor of the soul and emotions. While you might be able to help a situation, it’s not entirely yours to fix, rather just support. And while there may be a time when confrontation of a problem needs to happen, remember to do it gently. Sometimes it’s true that “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” But the same Good Book that offers that advice also advises, “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” If it’s a time to confront, especially if patterns of destructive behavior are noted, it’s probably best to ask your friend if she’s interested in your thoughts and some advice. Then, check your motives and your tone before speaking. Are you pointing a finger at the person, or are you truly coming alongside to help?
Care Package
The crux of the issue is caring, is it not? The antidote to analyzing, rescuing, rebutting, ignoring and one-upping is to put yourself and your needs aside long enough to focus on your friend. There’s a distinct possibility that she will return the favor in the future. If not, well, you did the right thing anyway.
Now get out there and listen!
