David White, MD
A few weeks ago I went back to the small western Pennsylvania town that I grew up in to visit with an old family friend and mentor. On my way out of town, I took the long-way, where homes become separated by farms, meadows and forest. As I intentionally turned off-course onto a familiar, less traveled and twisty road, I felt a rush of emotion, the paradoxical blend of a welcoming embrace with echoes of loneliness. This was home. This is where I became me. I wanted to cry. I did.
The journey into the past, when done honestly, is such a vulnerable and intimate experience. The intensity of the emotion that we feel is often connected to recognizing what we ‘didn’t know then.’ The innocence of childhood freed us to know joy and to explore, play, rest and love. But even then, and certainly since then, we have walked the instructive paths of disappointment, loss, and consequence.
I would wager that the most commonly expressed sentiment of those walking down memory lane is, “I wish I knew then what I know now. I would do so many things differently.” We imagine how a different perspective would have impacted decisions, great and small, possibly altering the trajectory of our lives in a more favorable direction. Perhaps we see our lives as a series of missteps that birthed consequences that swept us away like a strong current. Perhaps it is one fateful decision that threw us off-course, hurt someone we love, or resulted in a missed opportunity for ourselves. This is regret.
Gary Vaynerchuk, a Belarusian-American entrepreneur, author, and speaker encourages his young social media followers to talk to 90 year olds; to ask them about their lives. He says, “They will always start with, ‘I wish.’” He goes on to say, “The scariest thing in the world to human beings is regret… and the biggest poison in us is regret.” This is one of his primary calls to action. Go for it, do it, you will regret it if you don’t! The implication is that the avoidance of regret should not only be a primary motivator in our lives, but should direct our decisions moment by moment.
The problem with this is that we only recognize regret once it is upon us. It is what we feel ‘right now’ as we look back through the window of insight regarding a particular choice or decision. In this moment of acute regret, we are longing for something that we assume would have been had we gone a different direction. We assume a better outcome. Regret is trying to insert what we “know now” back into the original situation. The obvious problem is that we can never fully anticipate all the variables that will be encountered on a particular path, or predict the consequences that will follow any one decision.
The other problem with regret-avoidance is that we don’t get to live our lives like a “choose your own adventure” book, where with one lucky choice we get to live in the castle or with one unlucky choice we land in the swamp. The truth is that we will always do exactly what we most want to do in any one moment. Think about it, it’s true. At times our choices are with a clear perspective on a future intent or hope where we are willing to sacrifice now and wait for a future benefit. But often our choices are connected to a perceived immediate need or desire. In those times, we most prefer to satisfy this desire, or assuage some discomfort or fear.
Regret sweeps in when the desire is satisfied, the fear assuaged or the pain is quenched, but the resulting discomfort of loss, disappointment or hurt now seem lasting and with a weight heavier on the scales of comparison. This plays out for all of us in decision making large and small. Consider how many times you have heard yourself or others lament…”Why did I eat that?” We can say it with conviction because our hunger has been satisfied and we now only feel the discomfort of a distended belly and are considering the lasting consequence of those calories. But the answer to the question is obvious and simple… “I ate it because I wanted to.” While not always this simple, this is true of every decision you make.
I agree with Gary Vaynerchuk that regret is poison, but only if we consider regret an end unto itself; a terminal, erosive, defining condition that takes up residence in us. But because regret is only found in retrospect, insight gained beyond the circumstances, it is truly inevitable in our lives if we are to ever act or choose. We would be statues if we didn’t. And while regret can be devastating and overwhelming for a season, it is not an end to be embraced. Because regret is based on gained knowledge and insight, its greater force is that of a catalyst for growth and healing. In this way regret births wisdom.
Wisdom is defined as the ability to apply relevant knowledge in an insightful way, especially to different situations from that in which the knowledge was gained. Or as Webster would put it, knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life. Regret is our call to action, not a weight that drops our head and droops our shoulders. Regret means we have gained insight. The question is how we will apply that insight. Poet Henry David Thoreau writes, “Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Thoreau is not calling us to wallow in the misery of regret but rather to examine it closely and understand not just the circumstances, but ourselves. It is then in this understanding that we gain honesty and humility to see where shame, fear, hurt, anger, resentment or laziness, among other things, were directing our choices or decisions. These are absolutely essential elements for healing and growth. Wisdom then is where we make application of this knowledge and insight, whether in new circumstances or in relationships.
I experienced this personally in recent months when I was sharing with my first born son, now 25 years old, that I regret the times that I dealt harshly with him during in his high school years. These were times when I would bring “the law” bearing down on him like a hammer, rather than guide and discipline him with the grace of a loving father. I went on to express that I can see clearly now that when he would stray outside of my carefully constructed framework, I would get afraid. Afraid I would lose him, afraid he would be hurt, afraid he would forget my counsel. I said that I was sorry. He forgave me. This is to ‘live afresh.’ I have 3 sons, so I still get afraid, but my gained wisdom will better instruct my fear.
But what if such an opportunity is lost? Author Harriet Beecher Stowe recognizes the weight of this when she writes, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” Death often awakens regret, and grief is a right response. But grief lends clarity and insight into what could have been and what can be. As always, we must choose. Will we have regret imprison us as a penalty or will we allow it to stoke the flames of love and humility for the relationships that remain?
We are all well acquainted with regret, it is an inevitable experience in life. It is you, however, who assign regret its role in your life. Will it be your accuser and judge, casting you down, or will you name it your teacher and faithful friend. A true friend that does not flatter but tells us the truth we need to hear; faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6)
19th Century philosopher Soren Kierkegaard summarizes this way; I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations — one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it — you will regret both.
My question is…what will you do with your regret?
