Richard Rayner, MD
Cold on the Outside
I hate the cold. I loathe it. Why? Because cold hurts. Even though I grew up in the “mountains” of northeastern PA, I have vowed to never again move one more degree longitude north. No matter how much wool, Alpaca, Gortex, etc. I have in my gloves, my fingers never feel good in the winter. Then there’s the cracking skin on the fingertips and knuckles which is another lovely thing to endure. The fascinating thing to me is that nothing warms the frigid skin like the touch of another person’s skin. Pressing cold fingers against the same type of tissue leads to the perfect transfer of heat such that within minutes they are once again toasty warm. Blankets, gloves, heaters are all good, but there’s nothing like putting skin-to-skin. Those instructed in wilderness survival learn that anyone with or in danger of hypothermia needs to shrug off whatever social barriers there might normally be and make physical contact with another person.
Cold on the Inside
The spring of 2020 was uncharacteristically chilly. While the winter was mild, it seemed to drag on forever. Simultaneously we were forced to deal with an international pestilence where one major tenet of addressing the problem included a new term, “social distancing.” It’s really an oxymoron. Rather than the warmth of physical closeness that enhances and warms bodies and relationships, COVID-19 and the precautions drove us into the cold, literally and relationally. While the recommendations seemed to change daily, we all got the message: stay away from your fellow man! Sometimes the most diehard followers of the recommendation gurus would even attack those they judged to be less obedient, making the relational gap even wider.
Masks have become mandated and almost, almost, normal at this point. The creative options are entertaining and interesting for sure. As I’ve written before, the eyes tell so much about a person and her feelings. However, even with the eyes exposed we realize that something is lost in communication, that we are not just eyes. Some writers have described characters where “the person smiles, but the smile doesn’t meet the eyes.” I recently heard an interview with local award-winning portrait painter Catherine Prescott (www.prescottpaintings.com) where she describes how she finds the jaw and mouth so important in telling the story of the person portrayed. Catherine feels that it’s actually the mouth, with its innumerable configurations that reveal more of what’s going on with the subject. In that sense wearing a face mask deprives us of the whole tale longing to be told through our facial expressions. Many have commented to me about their frustration with not being able to fully express their emotions that can only happen by letting the rest of their face add to the story the eyes are telling. The mask projects the message of “Keep your distance,” and certainly, “Don’t touch!”
Isolation leading to Deprivation
So what does this “new normal” mean for our overall health? In the short term certainly it means less chance of contracting coronavirus which is obviously good. But should we be concerned about the negative effects of socially isolating? Susan Pinker in her 2017 TED Talk notes that among the predictors for living a long fulfilling life include regular and long term social connections. Expanding on the effect of social supports discovered in the Blue Zones (National Geographic) research, she has discovered that conversely social isolation by itself is a public health risk. Those who are surrounded by people with whom they are in very close and caring as well as more casual relationships live longer. In fact, the two most powerful predictors of living longer are social integration and close relationships, surpassing even the effects of regular exercise and flu shots! Pinker writes, “Neglecting to keep in close contact with people who are important to you is at least as dangerous to your health as a pack-a-day cigarette habit, hypertension or obesity.” It’s not clear yet whether video contact has an equal effect.
An Introvert’s Dream
I hear comments at times from self-described introverts that COVID-19 restrictions have provided Nirvana for them. Being forced to be alone doesn’t feel forced at all by these personality types. But even they will admit at times they miss having someone at least nearby even if the interactions are minimal. Even some extroverts have admitted that it’s been nice to be rescued from the constant drive to be busy, having unending stimulation, and bearing the burden of overcrowded schedules. They recognize that choosing activities rather than relationships has robbed them of some relational closeness, and are now even seeing the challenges of not making those investments along the way. For some it’s been a wake-up call that while we are out of shape in regards to having the patience to deal with family members around so much more of the time, that time together can actually be nice. Anyone want to work on the puzzle?
The last time something affected the entire world was World War II. No nation was spared the effects of that conflict, either directly or indirectly as a real or potential threat. It was a five-year test of our nation’s strength and character. Perseverance was essential, sacrifice was universal. It was a time when the population had limited material resources, but they had each other. In this COVID-19 pandemic, materially we possess much more, but are deficient in the ability to connect relationally. And we are realizing just how important that is. Depression, suicidal ideation, malaise, fatigue, and lack of motivation abound due to people being unable to make social connections with no clear end in sight. Cue Joanie Mitchell: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone…”
Connecting is Essential
Certainly things are not how they used to be, and who knows what they will be. For the most, part we bemoan that. For a time it has to be this way. But we must not dismiss the negative effects of being separated, especially on those who are clinically most vulnerable who also tend to be the most emotionally vulnerable. We need to be not just worried about infection, but dejection. The positive effects of being together are significant, even life-sustaining. It’s a real need and not optional in the long term. If you’re someone who has family around who can support you, you can be thankful for that. And then consider reaching out today to someone you know who may be bearing the heavy load of isolation.
