Richard Rayner, MD
Some people seem to be born popular. From early on they possess some kind of charisma that draws others to them. Not I. As a junior high or high school student, I would not have ever thought about running for student council. Academics? Music? Check. Part of the “in” crowd? Nope. As a good friend summarized for me, I was the “smart, fat band boy!” Even after trimming down, my social status didn’t change and I was at the end of a very long line when it came to the dating scene.
In my small hometown was a girl named Donna. We rode the same bus to get to school. Donna was generally shy but friendly and nice. But the most obvious thing about Donna was the large irregularly shaped birthmark on her face, commonly known as a “port wine stain,” similar to the one Mikhael Gorbachev sported on his forehead. I was taught by my parents to be kind, especially to those who had tough circumstances or who were hurting, so I was drawn to Donna and wanted to befriend her. Feeling a bit like an outsider myself, I thought perhaps we might share a certain kinship.
Now I admit that my being drawn to Donna was initially in a large part because I felt bad for her. What must it be like to have something so obvious screaming out from you before you’ve ever had a chance to utter a word? As the years went on and I had lost a lot of weight, I was still not considered handsome, but I certainly didn’t have something so obvious on the outside that presented itself to people before anything else. My scars were hidden. I wondered how she navigated life like that. I knew that she must have endured lots of hurtful comments. I wanted to be kind to her. I wanted to like her.
I also thought that this was someone I could actually get to like me. I found out later that my advances, initially just in friendship, were puzzling. She wondered why I would give her attention. She would complain to her younger sister that she didn’t know what I wanted. My gentle, playful teasing was enjoyed, but confusing. When I’d show up at her house unannounced on my bicycle, she would look at me in disbelief. She didn’t trust that a guy could care for her. But I think I knew that someone who bore such a burden had to have some deep elements, perhaps even similar to what I had, and I thought that maybe I could make her life, and mine, a little better through kindness.
Gradually she trusted me more. I would try to make her laugh, testing her with shocking, sometimes provocative statements and ideas. I wanted to break through that protective shell. She was shy but fun, had a great laugh, and I could make her laugh through my antics. I grew to truly care for her. Eventually we became an item. I learned about the hurts she had below the surface – the pain of her parents’ divorce, a chain-smoking hermit-like mother that never recovered from that split, a sister with whom she had a love-hate relationship, her angry older brother, etc. I also learned that the greatest love in her life was her parakeet, Billy. He was a bright spot in a life that had a lot of dark shadows.
So what started as curiosity morphed into teenage love. I learned that while my initial motivation was perhaps more compassion than passion, I ended up being blessed by her concern and care for me. I would have sworn her birthmark faded during those years. She was kind to me, cared for me, and put up with my immaturity. It was no longer a one-sided relationship. I wasn’t doing her a big favor by dating her. We cared for each other. It felt good to care and be cared for, and it worked for both of us. And she still cared for me even after my dog nearly ate Billy while I was bird-sitting him!
Our dating relationship didn’t last too long after graduation as we went our separate ways to different colleges. Distance and the different paths our lives were taking their toll, but thankfully it was an agreeable parting, and I feel at least on my part, the effects of our relationship has been long lasting. Brief conversations every five years or so at class reunions are fun, but I don’t know exactly what, if any lasting impact our relationship had on her. I’d like to think it was positive.
So what of it? I’m a bit embarrassed looking back to admit that my motives initially were partially out of pity. But kindness is kindness, and I wasn’t faking that. I needed a friend, I figured she might need the same. I was nursing some adolescent wounds, had some bad scars, and I knew we could probably share something together and our relationship would be a balm. And it was. Turns out what’s on the outside doesn’t really matter that much compared to what’s inside. Go figure.
But again, so what? For some, a relationship is a self-centered way to conquer another for bragging rights, give an appearance, or simply satisfy one’s own pleasure. In reaction to that too-often scenario, others have given in to the temptation to not move forward with a relationship or effort because we fear our motives may not be pure enough. At times that may be best, if in honest reflection, our intent is to serve only ourselves. While no one has completely pure motivation in relationships, we must remember the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
Caution is of course advised when dealing with issues of the heart – relationships inside and outside of family can be landmines. One should not be careless, but rather should tread cautiously, slowly, and endeavor to act only out of sincerity. But do in fact act. If you are the type to try to be a savior or to rescue, be doubly cautious to not get in too deeply too quickly. Been there, done that. As a counselor once told me, don’t test the water with both feet simultaneously. But don’t throw the relationship baby out with the principled bath water! Just care (dare I say love?) and see what happens. As Tennyson said so long ago, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Kindness heals and is never wasted even if at the time it is not fully recognized or appreciated. It tends to be remembered with fondness. Memory of it can bring a smile and warmth when recalled even decades later. It’s a salve to the soul. Sow some seeds of kindness today, and see what grows from it.
