David White, MD
A few weeks back, I found my attention captured by images on my television screen, my face wet with tears. I had been casually perusing videos on YouTube, when I clicked on a link to a compilation of videos showing soldiers surprising their unexpecting loved ones with their return home from deployment. I was immediately drawn in to these wonderfully intimate scenes and found myself watching video after video, each reaching deeper into my heart. It was a sweet mix of joy and heavy longing.
As I sat captivated, I began to see a clear pattern emerge on the screen. The unsuspecting family members would transition from the generally emotionless expression of a mundane task to a sudden moment of halting recognition. And then, like thin ice breaking free to reveal the turbulence of the river below, the restrained emotions of fear, hope, and longing would find their full expression in a moment of pure joy, relief and satisfaction, breaking the façade of emotional neutrality.
Tears were a certainty, though expressed a little differently for each. Some cried out, jumping and shouting, some bowed their heads, shoulders heaving, others stared in silence, hand over mouth with a face slowly contorting until tears released the strain. But, within a few short moments these varied reactions were unified with a hurried move towards an uninhibited, inseparable embrace. The instinctual kind of embrace where there is no too-close. Both arms, not one. Not sideways, but chest-to-chest with face buried in neck. You could see and sense the grasping effort to draw the returned one into their very heart, to absorb them with their every sense — to see, hear, smell and feel. Unmistakable, unrestrained love.
As I became increasingly self-conscious of my own response to these scenes, I was thankful that I had no witnesses. I was aware, however, that I was not alone. I began to notice that the on-screen observers were crying right along with me; strangers in an airport, classmates, co-workers, friends, even the youngest of school children, all wiping tears from their faces as they, too, were granted the privilege of observing such an intimate moment. But why did we cry? These were not our loved ones returned to us. I knew none of these people. Though in part a mystery, I believe it relates to the fact that we, the witnesses, know that this is consistent with the inherent longing of our own hearts: to love and to be loved, up close and personal, without feelings of self-consciousness, but with an uninhibited delight. To be embraced and drawn into a space that declares, you are welcome here, I want you here. Not only this, but we long to draw those that we love into our space.
The truth is that as I watched, I was inserting my own personal cast of characters into the scenes. Visions of embracing my wife (often too familiar), my boys (now men, far off), my parents (older, time waning), my siblings (separate, almost unknown lives). Tears appeared as I imagined my sons embracing one another in such unrestrained, uncalculated ways as I knew they would.
I do think familiarity and presumption of time can undermine opportunities to express love, but in many cases our own inhibitions are the real thief. In the homecoming scenario, the expression of love is a visceral reaction; there is no time to carefully measure. The orientation in that moment is external to ourselves, we are fully engaged by another, our conscious selves forgotten.
This is very much altered in the more mundane moments of life. To decide to express love “without reason” is often packaged in our own self-awareness. It is wonderfully and terribly vulnerable causing our bodies to revolt and our minds to overthink. In those moments of calculated expression, our eyes refuse to hold their target when met with the gaze of another, our facial expressions defy what is in our hearts, our movements are awkward, we blush.
As crazy as it may seem, if unlearned or unpracticed, the simple act of hugging can feel like landing a plane in the wind — I’m on approach. Left wing up. Wait, switch — now right, rotate! One arm wraps while the other somehow seems paralyzed. OK now, quick release; avoid eye contact on exit. I’ve been on both ends of this exchange. There is no reason for shame, however. This battle between heart and emotion, and mind and body reveals the beauty and gravity of expressed love.
So rather than letting this awkward self-awareness diminish how and when you express your love, acknowledge it and let it be a part of your own authentic expression — and practice. Pursue those you love with purposed intentionality and without reason — take them by the shoulders, look them in the eyes, and say, “I love you so much.” Draw them in and embrace them tightly with both arms, hold them. As you release them, look them in the eyes again, smile and say, “I really do.”
You may be thinking “Yikes!” but my promise to you is that if you land anywhere near this, you will have responded to the deepest cry of every heart.
