Richard Rayner, MD
“Mind the gap” is a phrase first coined in London in 1968 to be used by an automated system on the rail system to warn passengers of the space between the train platform and the open door on the waiting train. A passenger unaware of the empty space could find her foot suddenly trapped potentially leading to a disastrous outcome, should the train start to move just at that moment. Travelers were encouraged to “mind” or give attention to the fact that the gap was there.
In the original Rocky movie, Rocky tries to explain to his friend and co-worker, Paulie, why he’s interested in his sister Adrienne, whom Paulie thinks is simply a homely girl with nothing to recommend her. Standing in the large meat locker surrounded by hanging sides of beef, this beast of a man explains his interest humbly, succinctly and sweetly: “I got gaps, she got gaps, together we fill gaps.” The two misfits, buried in a going-nowhere urban Philadelphia subculture, have found in each other a sweet acceptance and understanding that struggles, but against all odds blossoms into a deep, safe relationship.
Celebrating the Imperfections
Neither Rocky nor Adrienne pretend to be perfect, but they are present for each other and that makes all the difference. The Asian concept of wabi-sabi can be helpful in dealing with the less-than-ideal in our lives. In its basic meaning, it connotes not only recognizing beauty in the imperfections that come with things of this world but appreciating them as something valuable because of that. Kintsugi is a Japanese art form involving repairing broken pottery using a lacquer mixed with precious metals like gold to fill in the cracks. The fractures are not hidden, but rather celebrated and enhanced with the precious substance, adding value to the previously damaged, useless vessel. Whether talking about a piece of pottery, a work colleague, or a tree trunk, it’s the imperfections and blemishes that contribute to the uniqueness of the subject.
If “no man is an island” as the 70’s song insists, then we must need one another. We do not need a perfect version that satisfies all our own desires, but rather a view of others that starts with valuing that person and assuming the best, and working through it when disappointments come. And they will. In those times we often wish someone would just get it right and change to our standards, or, in other words, be who we want them to be regardless of who they truly are. These are the times when we would best serve others by looking down and minding the gap, becoming aware that this, in fact, might be an opportunity for us to learn about our own gaps, or help fill one of theirs.
Filling Each Other’s Gaps
During my OB/GYN rotation as a medical student in Philadelphia, there was a delivery room nurse that had a reputation for eating med students for lunch! It didn’t take long for me to realize that her reputation was justified. She was miserable. Sarcasm, criticism and negative comments flowed freely from her toward everyone no matter what their position. I prayed for a chance to crack that hard shell to see what was inside. Then one day I caught her letting out a bit of self-loathing criticism. I seized the opportunity to offer a gentle rebuttal, encouraging her to not think and speak so negatively about herself. I braced for her typical rancorous response, but instead, a revealing comment followed. She explained that since her last boyfriend dumped her she hadn’t been able to recover her self-esteem. She had gaps – gaping gaps – and I had the chance to stand in one of them at least for a moment. Our relationship changed for the better and the rest of my rotation was more enjoyable.
I have been married for more than three decades to my wife, Leslie. Doing life with someone that long of course brings many rich experiences, as well as opportunities to screw up pretty badly. And I have. Now in midlife, there is ample opportunity to reflect on past decades. Those reflections can bring sad regret. Some of my regrets center around the ways that I have put subtle if not obvious pressure on her to change things – the way she does this or that, her ways of thinking about some things, even trying to dismiss or discount her fears. While I like to think it was my desiring the best for her, and indeed at times it was, I have realized also that my view has often been myopic. Sometimes I just didn’t want to have to deal with her issues. I did not have Rocky’s insight. I did not fully appreciate my gaps and how she filled them, and then how I had the opportunity to quietly and graciously fill her gaps. Instead, I often stood back and made them wider.
Creating a Loving and Safe Environment
Filling gaps is hard work. In a healthy relationship, there should be a shared willingness to honestly assess strengths and weaknesses. However, that happens only in an environment of love and safety where there’s opportunity to use our strengths to bolster the weaknesses of those we love. It cannot happen if our focus is simply to establish our position of power and demand respect, or if we want to defeat the other person so we look for the chinks in the armor where we can accurately place the arrow and hurt the ones we profess to love.
Adrienne and Rocky found it. By God’s grace, I’m in the process of finding it. What is “it”? A love whose foundation is humility and shared brokenness that is rarely modeled for us today in art or life.
Who’s filling your gaps? Thank them today. And then commit to minding your loved one’s gaps in return.
