Richard Rayner, MD
There’s nothing like the passing away of a loved one to cause one to mull over things — important things — what matters and why? My mother recently died at age 89. She finally lost her battle after a catastrophic health event six years ago followed by steadily declining health. Since the path to her death was not a sudden event but rather a rocky, long, slow downward slope, we had had lots of time to talk during the visits my wife, Leslie, and I had with her. Her passing has afforded me the opportunity to reflect on the balanced parenting style by which I was raised.
I was one of the fortunate ones to have had great parents. What made them great? They were parents that taught, served, and sacrificed out of hearts that loved in word and deed. There’s a lot of fear that comes to people who are trying to raise their kids. Not just the typical “what will the world be like for them” kind of fear (although there certainly are plenty of reasons to have that), but rather more about how their children will perceive them in both the distant future, and even more so in the here and now. Fear can tempt us to veer off course onto the rough berm of the relationship road or even onto an entirely different path that we shouldn’t be traveling. We get off course and don’t end up where we truly desire to go. How does that happen? There are potentially numerous ways, but let’s look at two of the most common ways.
The first is the tendency to control the children very carefully and closely. Heavy-handed pressure and hard-line rules are applied to prevent the child from getting off track. The fences in the pasture of the child’s life are constructed high and the grazing area is tight in an effort to keep the little lambs safe by decreasing the options for going astray. Good fences keep bad things out and keep the things inside from escaping towards danger. Unfortunately, sometimes the parent also takes on a harsh, oppressive demeanor assuming it will be even more effective. Their fences are constructed from barbed wire. The assumption is the rules when kept will assure the parent that the child will turn out right, or at least not really badly. The parent taking this approach is the demanding authoritarian, leaving little room for close relationship.
Other parents will choose to be extra lenient, or indulgent. The parent in this situation is trying to make everything very nice for the child so that she can never utter the accusation that something was withheld from her. The parent is hopeful that giving of stuff or privileges will inevitably result in the child developing overwhelming love for the parent and respond in grateful obedience.This often leads to overindulgence through providing material things the child wants or freedom from discomfort of any sort. The result is the child’s expectation that life is always (and should be) pleasant, wonderful, and full of gifts. The parent taking this approach instead of lovingly serving becomes subservient to the whims of the child, putting the child in charge, and leaving little room for a relationship to develop out of respect.
While parents applying each method mean well — they hope their child or children will grow up to be fine young men and women — neither approach works well. The heavy-handed approach prohibits the child from developing her internal compass for how to navigate through the rough waters of life. It reduces life to a simply tough-it-out-and-follow-the-rules approach. The second keeps the child from developing her emotional muscle, i.e., that part of us that learns to endure hardship. Little kids, little problems. The larger problems are coming, but similar to skeletal muscle that has to be trained gradually, so too does our emotional muscle need the gradual training of day-to-day struggles to develop it so that when the big struggles come they are ready.
Ultimately, though, the real loss is the opportunity to do what is a parent’s greatest privilege, and that is to build character into the little ones that have been entrusted to them. Instead of standing on the sidelines of the child’s life, biting their nails on one hand as they cross their fingers on the other, the best approach to parenting is like a shepherd who is clearly there to guide the sheep. The shepherd is with the sheep on the hillside, covering the same ground the sheep are, experiencing the same weather, treading the same rough terrain, leading them to the watering holes or pastures that will both refresh and nurture. Yet their roles are more complicated. The loving shepherd keeps watch for danger, and will need to use his crook to quickly draw back a wandering lamb that is approaching a cliff or pit. In order to grow strong and healthy the sheep must struggle up the hills, chew the grass, and bend down to drink. The crook inappropriately applied when a sheep is trying to get a needed drink from the watering hole would result in dehydration and illness. Alternatively, the sheep that would be allowed to simply stay in the barn and be fed silage would never experience fresh air while wandering the hillsides or the pleasure of eating fresh green grass. It does mean that the shepherd has to be present, attentive, and want to provide what the sheep need even if it’s not what the shepherd wants at the particular moment.
Shepherding is messy, tiring, and frustrating at times, and so it is with parenting. But, it’s of tremendous value as over the years one can see a child morph into a responsible adult with a foundation laid through decades of sacrificial love.
Of course none of us ever gets this exactly right. Parents find themselves teetering back and forth as we try to figure out what’s needed. More pasture? More water? More shelter? Plus, sometimes the sheep are stubborn, right? The bleating can be deafening at times! There are certainly no guarantees with this job, but the efforts are worth it. Giving in to either extreme is dangerous. But, the teeter-totter of parenting must have love as its fulcrum. Parenting with compassion and kindness along with rules gives the best chance for creating adults that will hopefully do the same. And, the world will benefit from it.
I’m thankful to have had parents that struck that balance and I regret the times I resisted. Mom, Dad, your sacrificial love and tireless commitment are appreciated more than I was ever able to adequately express. Thank you.
