Not Liking Your Kids - Aspire Better - Family Health, Urgent Care, and Concierge Medicine in Harrisburg PA

Susan Rook, LMFT

Sue Rooke is a vital member of our Aspire team and through therapy she strives to bring emotional healing and wholeness to her clients’ lives. She is a licensed Therapist with a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and is also a Clinical Fellow with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Her work has been featured in Newsweek, Focus on the Family Magazine, and other national publications.

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“We can’t stand to be around her!”

Were these words spoken by A: mean girls in middle school, or B: parents of an eight year old girl. If you guessed parents, you’re correct. But why? Because every parent most likely has had a child who begins to “act out” for unknown reasons. Usually parents expect it to be a short phase, but after a few weeks, that “can’t stand to be around her” is uttered; first to each other, and then to me.

Acting out is certainly a behavioral issue, but the root of it is often surprising, and usually it originates from insecurity and neediness. A child begins to sense that he/she is not getting enough attention from his or her parents, and in a child’s mind negative attention is better than no attention!

Parents react to this kind of behavior in a pretty normal way. First they try discipline, then when that doesn’t work the frustration builds up until they begin to (temporarily) not like their kid. The last parents I worked with on this issue were at their wits’ end. I had met with their daughter, and quickly saw the pattern which later I explained to them.

Kids intuit when their parents “don’t like” them, even if that’s not an accurate description of what’s going on, and that’s when the behavior escalates.

Here are six suggestions I make to parents. I’ve seen these work countless times, and when you find yourself in a similar situation this can help you get on top of things very quickly.

1. Drop all negative interaction with her. In a week, you will be amazed. I can almost guarantee it, but you have to stay with this. She recognizes that you both are tired of her (antics) and “don’t like” her, in her language.

2. Start affirming your child regularly about whatever you can think of.Making the bed. School. Helping at home.

3. Give him tasks he can accomplish, and be quick to notice when he does.

4. Each of you needs to spend one-on-one time with said child a few times a week, not watching anything, but reading or taking a quick ten minute walk in the neighborhood. Grab a flashlight. Take the dog. It will be fun and your child will talk your ear off. Use that time for genuine affirmation, and affection.

5. This suggestion is invaluable and should be done every night whether there are issues or not: Establish a two hour device free period in your home from 6:00-8:00 PM or times that suit your family best. Tell the kids what you are doing and why. You will find that opportunities to spend one-on-one time with your children are easier to create when you and they are not constantly tempted by devices.

Lastly, if you don’t get on top of this, the “acting out” virus will spread to your other children.

I hope you will try this with your children, and I would love to hear how things progress!