David White, MD
“I can’t stand all the drama!” In the 10 years that AspireCARE has been in business, we have interviewed hundreds of individuals for various positions, and this is far and away the most common response to the question, “Why are you looking to leave your current position?” I have also heard this disdain for drama expressed in nearly every environment in which I have ever worked. Interestingly, I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m leaving because I create so much drama there.” No, we more commonly refer to drama as circumstances or dynamics where we are neutral observers. We suffer the drama of others.
The reality is that drama is not some neutral event we observe but rather, it describes the current state of real relationship between real people with real feelings. Relationship is central to our very being. It is the inherent context of our deepest longing to know and be known. It is the standard by which we answer the question, “Do I matter?” Our personal sense of value or dignity can be threatened within the entire spectrum of being known, whether by a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, a coworker. Even more, who has not felt the hurt or anger induced by that other driver we have never met who accuses us with their middle finger. How dare they, they don’t know the first thing about me!
In any circumstance where our relational expectations are violated, we experience the discomfort of tension and conflict. But these are not just markers of an impersonal drama. Conflict and tension are universal elements of any relationship of consequence. We let one another down, either knowingly or unknowingly, and we offend by both our action and inaction. There is risk and work involved in finding reconciliation and peace. We will no doubt be left to live in the realm of dramatic tragedy, however, if we resort to the more easily accessible tools of complaining, blaming, and gossiping.
The first of these, complaining, is the habitual expression of annoyance and discontent. It is not only a proclamation of discontent, but it is also an invitation, if not a subtle demand, that others sit with you in misery. Misery does love company! But complaining sours the soul and the person affected most is, without doubt, the complainer. But complaining is always expressed in relationship and will by its very nature be, in time, toxic for both speaker and hearer. In contrast, there can be tremendous benefit in offering helpful criticism to those that can affect change or perhaps asking another to help you process what you are feeling in an effort to move forward under challenging circumstances.
When indulged, a complaint can quickly transition to blame. Complaining is often expressed when there is a perceived lack of control. Finding someone to blame allows us to elevate ourselves and recapture control by identifying the cause for our discontent, anger or pain as being from outside of ourselves. Fault is assigned without any intent for peace or resolution. It serves to justify our complaint to ourselves and others. That said, there are certainly occasions where it would be helpful to reflect to others where their work, behavior or words are deficient, disruptive or hurtful. This pursuit of accountability stands in contrast to leveling an accusation. A genuine desire and willingness to be held accountable and hold others accountable communicates, “I want the best for you, for me, and for all involved.” A brief examination of your relationships and your past experience will testify to the truth proclaimed by the ancient proverb, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” This contrasts loving-confrontation with manipulative flattery.
While blaming someone is never fruitful, doing so to their face is at the very least honest! It says, “I’m a blamer, and I’m blaming you.” But rather than implicate ourselves as part of the problem, we too easily turn to gossip. Gossip is saying something behind someone’s back that you would not say to their face. Flattery provides our cover—saying to someone’s face what you would not say behind their back.
But why do we so quickly turn to gossip? Social scientist and author, Brene Brown offers that we gossip in an effort to “hot wire connection to a friend.” It is a shortcut to what she calls “common enemy intimacy.” This is when closeness is built around saying something negative about another. The problem is that this is not intimacy at all; it is trying to build a friendship on hating the same people. The problem is that while this gives the appearance of confidence and trust, it is really a counterfeit trust. Consider, if someone feels so free to crush another in your presence, or violate another’s trust, what might they do to you when you inevitably fall short and the relationship waivers? It’s a friendship built on unstable ground.
And while it is true that we may only consider a few special people our true friends, we do have some variation of relationship with every person we interact with; our family members, co-workers, supervisors, neighbors, servers, baristas… Each of these relationships is sure to disappoint us to varying degrees at some point. Our response to that disappointment is our own responsibility. We can dismiss an offense when unintentional, unknown or without lasting impact (consider our fellow drivers). We can compound our misery by driving a wedge in our relational cracks by complaining, blaming and gossiping. Alternatively, we can seek to reconcile by keeping one another accountable.
And unlike complaining, blaming and gossiping, holding people accountable requires empathy, vulnerability, and grace— essential elements of any healthy relationship. It is a willingness to take the perspective of another person, recognize our own capacity to fall short and hurt others, and risk making our hurt, disappointment or frustration known with an intent to forgive the offense; to reconcile.
While you may not be able to control another individual’s response, you can determine if you will allow yourself to perpetuate the misery wrought by complaints, accusations, and whispers. So yes, no more drama! Let us each step back into the story with a new appreciation for not only our character but the myriad of characters around us. As you do, I commend to you the timeless counsel, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
