Richard Rayner, MD
The original supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, once advised that in her modeling she wanted special attention to be given to her eyes – “It’s all about the eyes.” Even though they are one of the smallest and most sensitive organs of our bodies, the eyes wield amazing power even with the subtlest of movements. With just millimeters of change, the eyes can alter their message greatly, communicating seduction or conveying innocence, providing comfort or promoting fear, declaring value, or disclosing dismissal and disdain.
The eyes are vital for communication in all types of relationships. Now in the age of wearing masks when interacting with others, we are left with nothing but the eyes to communicate emotions or punctuate our speech. While we find ourselves longing to view the entire face of those with whom we are speaking, the eyes do tell us the most information even when we are silent or masked. There are tremendous cultural variations in what is normal eye contact especially when considering the type of relationship two individuals share. For example it is normal in some Asian cultures for one to divert her gaze when addressing superiors rather than look directly at the person. In strict Muslim cultures sometimes even the eyes are covered in women for the sake of modesty. Conversely advertisers in Western cultures capitalize on the power of the eyes to seduce would-be buyers to desire their products.
Countless Ways to Communicate
The amazing thing is how even subtle changes in gaze – a slight lift of the eyebrows, a sly or questioning lowering of the lids, a doubtful side glance – though silent in their execution can scream a message. Want to appear threatening? Bear down on your subject with your best Tom Hardy “Warrior” prolonged stare. Need to communicate excitement? Open up those baby blues big and wide and throw those eyebrows high and let the world know how thrilled you are! You think he’s pretty cute? Tilt your head just so, smile just a little, and release that sideways glance for a powerful message. And one I’ve seen way too many times, the extreme upward gaze of exasperation that shouts that I’ve made one too many dad jokes!
In the relationship economy, the eyes communicate perceived value. A willingness to look at someone indicates they have value in the beholder’s mind. A prolonged gaze indicates curiosity and possibly interest. Even a look of hatred communicates that the recipient at some level matters to the looker. The decision to not look is a type of apathy, the true opposite of love.
The Power of Posture
The real strength of a message comes when pairing the positioning of the eyes with the physical posture of the head and body. This is most notable when someone is feeling shame or embarrassment. I realized years ago my reluctance to look directly at someone means I’m in some sort of conflict with that person, at least internally even if it is not obvious to both of us. Shame, anger, or embarrassment can make one appear suddenly blind. Head down, gazing towards the floor, as if those in close proximity don’t even exist shouts, “I’m not interested in communicating with you.” When I’ve behaved badly towards someone, or if I’m fearful of discovery, the first notable thing is my reluctance to look directly at that person. At those moments it feels as if a visual connection will be tantamount to a confession. I fear that the other person will be able to peer into my hard, cold soul, exposing my inner anger or conceit. Those emotions are like chains on the soul.
The Decision to Look
I could train myself in these situations to force myself to look up and at my (real or presumed) adversary, and indeed I try to do that. I don’t really want that relational separation. So deciding to look is a start. However that approach might be fixing the wrong thing. The averted gaze is the symptom, not the problem, right? So many times the “conflict” was something trumped up or blown out of proportion. The solution then is not better eye contact, but rather to live honestly, bravely, and graciously with those in my life. But most of all, the most satisfactory goal is to care enough about the other person to not want to avert my gaze. Even if there’s conflict, healthy peacemaking means not pretending nothing is wrong, but rather addressing it with the goal of restoration if at all possible. It’s a lot of work to do it that way, and Lord knows I have often not done it well. But I’m striving in that direction. There’s freedom when those chains are off.
And in these days of so much troubling news, so many apparent threats to our society, and so many conflicts, learning to communicate in a manner that is productive, clear, and meaningful is needed more than ever. With the limitations of social distancing and masks, we can lose the nuances of good communication. Seek first to develop a desire to connect with others in meaningful ways, then use all you have at your disposal – eyes, words, posture, etc. – to reach out to those around you. Your friends and family will appreciate it. And the world needs it.
