Richard Rayner, MD
“I know this life is a strange thing
Can’t answer all the “whys”
Tragedy always finds me
Taken again by surprise”–
-From “Love Will Find a Way” by Amy Grant
It finds us. Young, old, wealthy, poor, educated, humble, proud.
The waters of tragedy, suffering, and hardship leak into the homes of our lives, sometimes slowly, subtly, gradually, other times by waves crashing over whatever retaining walls we may construct. The struggles with hardships are more like running a race. It may be a short sprint over a few hurdles, or a marathon on paths filled with stone after stone of painful toils. At times suffering comes to us suddenly with an intensity that is blinding, and at other times it lies smoldering, insidious, wearying.
Investigating the Scene of the Crime
The default reaction naturally is to ask why? Why this? Why me/us? Why now? Where did this come from? Not only is that a natural reaction, but in fact is essential for planning a possible remedy and planning to prevent it the next time. Obviously, the interested clinician incessantly asks “why” with each patient who presents to him in the hope of obtaining a diagnosis that will direct treatment and relief.
Prolonged suffering comes with different questions, deeper, perhaps more existential. This “why” simultaneously assumes and asks about some larger purpose to what is being experienced. Perhaps this is fitting into a larger plan of some sort, some kind of story being written with me/us at the center. At times it comes from a sense of possible guilt. Was it payment for something I did? Have I been found out? Is God punishing me. Is it Karma? I did cut that guy off on the highway the other day…I didn’t report all my 1099 income last year…
The Answers
Invariably whenever we face a significant struggle, some looking in from the outside will claim they know why. What is a mystery to the sufferer is plainly obvious to these assessors. Mind you, the assessment is usually not friendly, maybe even backhanded. It may be the chance that this “friend” was looking to place that poised sword into the chink in the armor they have seen for a while.
That’s really quite a dangerous position to assume. Unless there is an overt cause-and-effect – driving a car without training or licensing results in a crash with injuries – one assumes the role of the All-knowing when proclaiming definitive knowledge of why such a thing has occurred. The variables affecting the situation could be too numerous to count and may not be known even by the sufferer. There’s also an assumption of motive. The book of Job in the Bible demonstrates how “friends” who came to Job as counselors think they know why this man, who was basically above reproach, is suffering one calamity after another. Well in fact, they haven’t the slightest clue.
The Mystery
The Why is often mysterious. One thing that is universally possible, though, is the development of a deeper character that enriches life and equips us to be better prepared for the next hard thing. As I think about it, struggle is the only thing that does that. Vacations, gifts, and other pleasurable things help us enjoy the moment and create great memories; however, those things usually don’t lead us to become deeper people who are rich in character. Still it’s tempting to ask as did the pleading, impoverished Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof asked of God, “you decree I should be what I am, but would it spoil some vast eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man?”
Personally, I have less problem with the bigger things, but struggle with the value of the low-level irritations that come. Inability to find my car keys, spilling my coffee in my car, traffic jams when I’m late already. “Really God? How is this helpful to me? Or You?!” I’m joking of course, but I guess I can see the value in the call to reassess, slow down, take a minute to consider what I’m doing before acting. They’re slivers that annoy, not amputations!
The Better Question
The more valuable lesson is the switch from asking “why” to asking, “what.” What am I to learn from this? Is it an opportunity to see something I couldn’t see before? Am I in need of change that can only come through this design for me. Can I grow from this? I realized this is a radical question asked in a culture that, if we’re committed to anything, is committed to the pursuit of comfort. That also is a natural thing. But perhaps that is part of what is leading to some of the discord in our society, the sense that bad things are done by other people (never me), and they are the cause of my hardship. This is not to diminish the terrible social ills we have and have had in our society. I’m suggesting that we fight against the notion that all suffering has no point other than annoyance.
People who choose to do extreme sports subject themselves to an artificial situation designed to improve them. The physical results of training are obvious. Less obvious is the mental toughness and emotional strength that is built through pressing through to the finish line. In my experience, mile 22 of a marathon you are asking, why in the world did I ever think this was a good idea. At the end of the race, medal dangling proudly on the runners sweat-soaked chest, a typical racer can be heard saying, “Next time I want to do… “For sure the why and what are mostly understood in these chosen situations. But the value is still great. To come through that is life changing.
Help!
“Great,” you say. “But can I get a break?! I think I’ve had my share. How much character-building does one person need?” That too has no sufficient human answer. That’s where good friends can help. If you are on the outside, looking in on a separate friend, make every effort to listen to your suffering friend, avoid the trap of feeling you can explain everything, and simply help or just… be.
Suffering is a cold, hard landing. Loving care is the best cushion.
