You Don’t Have To

“Yeah, right!” 

This the response I often overhear when people finish describing the advice they received from their doctor. It’s often accompanied by a rolling of the eyes and a snicker. Eat this, don’t eat that, take this, don’t take that. In the words of comedian Brian Regan, typically when leaving the doctor’s office it can feel like the departing message is, “And don’t have any fun!” The weight of it all can be depressing, discouraging, irritating, and at times overwhelming. Not to mention confusing when the advice seems to change every decade, or less! Contrast the low-fat nineties with today’s perspective that some fats are not only ok but great.

Many of the burdens I see being carried by people these days seem to be related to tough facets of relationships, as well as managing life and all that comes at us. Our ability to manipulate life through technology has its limits. Namely, our physical bodies, our emotions, and our relationships never change for the good quickly. But to a certain degree, we expect there to be some way to make those things improve right away. The result is increased burdens and the temptation to somehow manipulate things so that the change happens soon.

So let me be the first doctor to take things off your to-do list.

You don’t have to…

… control other people. Being in a relationship involves risk. It’s scary! It can lead to fear of being taken advantage of, or losing ourselves, becoming a ventriloquist dummy for someone else, or doing things we don’t really want to do. Fear is at the root of this desire. Wisdom would advise against that kind of manipulation, and being responsible to ourselves and those under our care is vital. But similarly to how gripping a handful of sand causes it to leak out in proportion to the degree with which we squeeze it, controlling others does not lead to meaningful relationships. In fact, it’s ultimately a sure-fire way to lose that person.

…have the last word. It can feel really great to win an argument. Victory! But we’ve all heard the adage about winning the battle but losing the war. Too many wins in the short term realm of discussions with a family member, friend or loved one can cause a big loss in the long run. The character Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice is completely “right” in her own eyes but ultimately ends up alone with only her sickly daughter as a companion in the end. Freedom can sometimes come through giving up the need to put the exclamation point on the last sentence of an argument for the sake of keeping the story going. Leaving room for things to just play out can sometimes be the best solution.

…be chained to your phone. Smartphones are great, amazing even. They are so commonplace that I don’t think we appreciate how remarkable they really are. Yet my observation is that they are robbing people of good interaction. Observe the head-down position assumed by those walking down the street, in the mall, even stopped at a traffic light. The saddest thing to me with this issue, however, is to see a couple or family at a restaurant table not engaging in conversation but rather each member visually committed to her phone while waiting for the meal to be served. Being present in the moment may not be as exciting as something you can find on your phone, but it certainly may hold adventure of its own.

…be afraid to be bored. It seems like we live in a state of constant stimulation. The music we want is only a touch away, random thoughts of a friend ding through in a text message, the din of the TV is constant in our homes. Quiet moments can be hard if things in life are tough, but constant input without contemplation results in unsettledness. Not doing something may even produce guilt – I should be doing something. I have a hard time with that one.

…be perfect. Striving for ‘good ‘things is part of our human nature and can yield many benefits. For a culture to thrive, it’s necessary. So do it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But honest hard work can be hamstrung by perfectionistic tendencies. Bothersome thoughts, like, “If I can’t do it perfectly, why bother?” or “I don’t want to risk the criticism of others that may come if I don’t get it right.” Consider the concept of wabi-sabi – enjoying the uniqueness that comes with imperfections in people or the things they produce, yourself included.

In a word, perhaps it comes down to being free. Free from the pressure to have things perfect before being able to enjoy them. Free from things that are in some ways helpful but eventually become burdensome. Free to savor moments of peace with yourself and others. For sure these are just a few elements of getting to a life that has less tension and more sighs of contentment. We all have choices and we don’t have to settle for destructive habits or bow to the culture. Consider what needs to be done and move in the direction of change that will result in a healthier more peaceful life.